Welcome to the Tragic Kingdom

2005-03-13T20:39:00.000-08:00

bunny

2005-03-13T11:10:00.000-08:00

me and some kids at the bonfire

2005-03-13T11:06:00.002-08:00

me and some kids at the bonfire

2005-03-13T11:06:00.001-08:00

me mr. palumbo marla and autumn

2005-03-13T11:06:00.000-08:00

me and jess

2005-03-13T10:55:00.000-08:00

me and marla painting eggs in home ec

2005-03-13T10:49:00.000-08:00

me and alyssa

spare me just three last words

2005-03-06T23:25:00.000-08:00

Not feeling the greatest. I've been kinda sick the past couple of days, but oh well. It's back to school tomorrow, and I haven't posted all weekend. Considering I've slept the whole weekend away, I guess it's expected.

There's not really much to write about. Well, there's not really much that is new. I'm still me, and i'm still fighting with myself about everything. It's really getting old, and frankly, it's quite tiring. No one gets it, which is cool cause i shouldn't expect anyone to -- even though I do sometimes. Someone will get it someday, hopefully.

Lately I've really been putting like 95% of my thoughts into music. It's my vacation away from this town, these people here, but most of all myself. There are very few things in this world that I can truly say "Wow, I love that" without doubting myself.. and music is definitely one of those things. It just takes me away, melting everything else and burning the time to come and years past. I'm listening to this song called Ohio Is For Lovers by Hawthorne Heights right now. I love this song. I think I'm gonna leave ya with some of those lyrics.

And I can't make it on my own
because, my heart is in Ohio
so cut my wrists and black my eyes
so i can fall asleep tonight, or die
because you kill me
you know you do, you kill me well
you like it too, and i can tell
you never stop until my final breath is gone...

i would understand...

2005-03-03T13:26:00.000-08:00

what an e-freaking-motional night. i think that word was created with me in mind. Emo. It just fits me so well. i mean, i'm dramatic -- i'm up, i'm down, i'm high, i'm low, i'm everything inbetween. i'm freaking emotional. but at least i'm open.

we'll drive away to that place beneath the stars
out of bounds
and the peck of your lips on my hand held in yours
making rounds
will flood your head with pages, scenes one after the next
leaking tears
then we'll drive back, humming songs of reminiscence
over the years

i know i'm not your favorite record

2005-03-02T16:20:00.000-08:00

God. i can't help but be pissed. It's just that.... ah i dont know. Why do i feel like i am one of th grimly few people who see things straight? The way things are meant to be. I just feel like i have this whole beautiful mess of a puzzle figured out. And i must say, i am really getting sick of waiting for everyone else in this world to figure it out. I mean, what happens if no one else ever does figure it out? What happens if i'm wrong, and i spent too much time thinking i was right to ever be able to turn around and figure out the real meaning to all of this?

Maybe. I'm just crazy??
I'm starting to think that's it.

I'm goin psycho, over analyzing everything, taking in every little detail and word, processing it over and over until its something totally different, and then spitting it back out. Or am I? Gah. I think too much.

Lol. I just took a break from writing this post to check my mail, and what did I get? A bunch of junk mail? Yes. But what else? I subscribe to the Hollister newsletter and they had this whollllllle big section on one of my new favorite bands fall out boy. God, Pete the bass player is so hot. I wonder if he's single.

I'm gonna go back to watching the hollister lounge 22 video now. I might post later. Don't forget to read the post before this, it's from today too.

i hope this is the last time
cause i'd never say no to you
this conversation's been dead on arrival
and theres no way to talk to you when
this conversation's bee dead on a rivalry...
Fall Out Boy <3

this is me standing in the arch of the door...

2005-03-02T13:53:00.000-08:00

so we'll throw away our hearts
like candy during the last parade
and we'll salute our fellow heartaches
cause you're always my right side of the bed

I don't even know where to start posting right now. I'm in a very "blech" mood. I have a sore throat that has somehow advanced to my nose. How did that happen? I don't know. Go figure.

I was really glad that we didn't have school today. I wasn't gonna go anyways, but at least this means i'm not missing vital lessons like last time. I was out for three days and seriously missed the most important chemistry lesson of the whole freaking year. Electron configurations, what?! Yes that is my luck. We just learned some new way to do them though so thats pretty exciting. It's also sad when an electron configuration short-cut excites you. 1s2 2s2 2p6?? yeah.

I've been thinking alot lately about what I want to do with my life after high school. I mean yeah I have big dreams of doing great things, but dreams are only dreams sometimes. And, gladly quoting some daphne, "I've wasted more time dreaming than living." I'm really thinking of pursuing something in writing, because writing is something that is always here for me. The problem with that is, what kind of job can i get just letting it all out? Who really wants to hear about my silly little life anylizations that will probably never even add up to anything? It's all just me, slowly burning the time, for myself. Cause writing is just about the only thing I do for mylself. We'll see.

I really can't say anything public right now. I need to start up my LJ again so I can make it friends only or private. I dont knoooooooow....... blah!

What you do on your own time is just fine.
My imagination's much worse.
I just never wanna know... <3calm

the words you say to me

2005-02-28T22:13:00.000-08:00

oh and it was lust at first sight
they each fell in, and swam so deep
wouldn't know love if it hit them on the nose
-- because it has, and talk is cheap

big upset tonight at the guys game :( boo. i was gettin feisty with the reffs too.. too bad :'(

2 hour delay tomorrow. or today. who knows, its like 20 after 1 in the morning. but i am excited for that delay. i'm hoping that school might be cancelled, because i need to get started on that history packet :-X blahhhhhh.

i'm seriously stressing out. school and everything else has really taken its toll, i'm having anxiety attacks on like a daily basis now. it really sucks. and walmart doesnt help.. that place makes me want to vomit. you can't go in there without getting lost or running into slow old people with empty carts. everytime i'm in walmart i just need to hit someone, really i do. i start to freak out. i say we all boycott the new walmart and have it moved back to the old place.

that's about it for tonight. i've already gotten my insightful thoughts for the day out somewhere else. i'll write back later.

i've been to thinking...

2005-02-27T15:15:00.000-08:00

There is no such thing as truth. There is no right, or wrong, or even inbetween. There is no such thing as craziness, calm, ruin, chaos, or anguish. These are all just accepted beliefs, theories. All that you really have, is your soul. Everything else, right down to your own body, can be taken from you to an extent.

And love... love is what happens whenever a part of your soul, your only true posession, is given to someone else. And once you've given away part of your soul, you'll never truly be whole again, until the person that has the other half of your soul has given half of theirs to you.

All you have is your soul.

what could be worse than leaving something behind?

2005-02-26T11:00:00.000-08:00

and all those sad songs on the radio
will remind us what we've known
cause mending hearts and faded songs
will remain, untouched -- my own

I decided to open my post with a little bit of poetry because, I couldn't decide how to start it. Once again, I'm in rare form today. And I'm starting to think that this isn't really rare form, this is my usual self nowadays. I must be changing, or something.

Last night my mom suprised me and let me dye my hair. I could do whatever I wanted to it. So I, being weird, chose not to dye it but to just put a big chunk of color through it. It's kind of a coppery-ish red color. I like it alot. Yes, here I go again tying things that happen in my life to how "the big picture" works, but I realized that me simply putting a chunk of color in my hair shows alot about where I am right now in my life. I am desperately wanting dramatic change... but no matter what I do, I'm afraid of leaving my past behind, even if I dont like it, because it's where I'm comfortable. Strange, huh? Maybe I should have just died it all purple or something.

After that, I went over to Marlas and we started making our nationals T-Shirts :-D! Wow, they sure are hot, so if you'll see me sometime, make sure you check them out whenever we wear them. Haha I just noticed that I, being stupid and not showering afterwards, have blue fabric paint stained all over my arms and fingers. Haha. This is great.

I don't really have anything to write about now, or maybe it's just that I don't have anything to write here that could be read by the general public, so I'll leave you with a little Vanessa Carlton. Peace and easy -- post.

But everything happens for reasons that she will never understand
until she knows that the heart of a woman -- will never be found in the arms of a man.
Vanessa Carlton

bring me back

2005-02-24T20:57:00.000-08:00

I don't give my REAL friends enough credit. I really don't. And ya know, you don't have to constantly be with someone or talk to them for them to be a true friend. As long as they're there for you when it matters. Thanks everyone <3 This goes out to you.

oh, bring me back
to the rhythm of the sweet symphony
the hypnotic beats of the winter air
oh bring me back
cause whether its a broken heart
or just plain energy wasted
i'm positive you're the antidote
that'll forever bring me back

but i shouldn't... cause i hate you...

2005-02-24T16:44:00.000-08:00

I. Am. Pissed. Yes, me, pissed. Go figure, cause that never happens.

When I say this, I am not exaggerating, or trying to make myself sound good. I am being honest. Because believe me, I am the FIRST person to rip on myself. But, I am probably one of the most loyal people you will ever meet. If I say you're my friend, you are. If I say I won't tell anyone, I won't. Even if I come to dislike you or even hate you at some point in time, I will probably never tell anyone anything of importance to you.

This has got me thinking... I can't imagine ever turning my back on anyone. EVER. I say what I mean, and I mean what I say. You should never have to underestimate what I say to you, because it comes from the heart. And what I'm wondering is... when someone like me, who would give or do anything for someone I call a friend, how could you turn your back on me so easily? It has happened time and time again, just when I least expect it. And I'm being dead serious when I say, that if you have any idea how people can just lie and turn their backs on me so easy, I would really appreciate it if you could IM me and tell me.

On a lighter note, I just found out today that Alyssa can come with me to the beach :o) I'm soooo glad. I love that girl. She is like the older sister I will never have. In fact, she pretty much is my older sister, my best friend. So that means me and her, a week in Ocean City with my family, and then the next week with hers in North Carolina. :-D I'm so happy. I love her.

And another thing... Laura thank you so much for reading my stuff in here... it's gay but writing is a big part of my life and it means alot when people read it and appreciate it. You made my day 1000000x's better without probably even realizing it.

Instead of leaving you with some of my own words, i'll leave you with some Saves The Day because I'm too exhausted to actually apply myself right now.

Remember that the only thing we need sometimes, are chilly nights, and warmer thighs, cause there's nothing like being held... sometimes. -- Saves The Day

I'm not the way you think I am

2005-02-22T20:46:00.000-08:00

Hehe. I've gotten pretty good at the art of indirection, haven't I? ;) Ahhh.

Today was... interesting. Only went to school until 10:45, then had a doctors appt. in Altoona. It went well. I was pleased.

Writing time! :)

lingering breaths
withdraw from their own
unburdened, released
and becoming -- unknown

the hand behind this pen relives a failure everyday

2005-02-21T21:57:00.000-08:00

I've been through alot. I mean, I really have. And in a sense, that's good, because I know I've been able to help alot of different people through some rough times. Because I understand. But I've always put so much pressure on myself, making their problems my own. When most people had their own life to deal with, I've always seemed to have had 3 or 4 more. And I'm realizing now that, that's okay, and I still want to help people out, because it's something I'm good at, and it's something I like to do. I feel very blessed and am greatful that so many people can trust and confide in me, it's an honor. But I don't have to feel pressured anymore. Other people's problems are just that -- other peoples. not my own. Which is good. I'm proud of myself.

I've also learned that, the people who say "I will never leave you," or something along those lines, usually are the first to leave. There are exceptions, but the real ones who will never leave you, are the ones who don't even have to say it, because you just know. These are the people who will stick with you throughout the rest of your life. Whether they are friends, or family members, they will stick with you. And it's good to be able to tell them apart from the fakers, because for a while, I couldnt. But I can tell now. And thats cool.

I was thinking of writing a few thoughts down, but I don't know what to write about. I'm gonna take a few minutes to think of something.

Okay, woo here goes!

take a deep breathe and relive your past
i bet you never thought that this would be me
but you're wrong and as this newness consumes me
i'll slowly be brought back down to reality

just when you're certain this world is cliche
and your pen has no meaning or can't write
laugh a little harder and cry a little louder
and remember this february night

2005-02-19T22:47:00.000-08:00

i know i said i'd call him..... but i'm not...... and i dont know what to do with myself. so, i came here. babysitting was fun tonight. wooh. alright enough of that. i'm just gonna let my fingers do the talking.

she's lying in her dark room
with all her memories to shame
she knows she'll soon be that girl
with heads turn to say her name

its tragedy surrounding her
though she'll never realize why
scene after scene of memories play
between each blinking of her eye

her hand, it flows like water
as her pages slowly fill
her tears saturate the paper
and at last, she's finally still

her heart wont stop its aching
and theres a numbness to her mind
then, nothing grand or extravagant
just her sight, and then she's blind

2005-02-19T08:37:00.000-08:00

Well, haven't been here in a while. And I'm not even gonna start to tell you what I've done. Or been up to. Or whatever. Cause if you've heard, you've heard, and if you haven't, then ask someone, cause if I didn't already tell you then too bad. Looks like I'm babysitting tonight. wooh! the fun. One time, the little boy like, beat up his little sister and brother and bit my hand and made it bleed and threatened to jump out the window. I can't wait for tonight. At least I'll get some money, cause I'm pretty poor. Oh well. Take the emo quiz.

You are sorta emo. You listen to Radiohead and enjoy their eclectic sound, but haven't pushed past into the underground indie subculture. The closest to emo attire that you own is maybe a few band t-shirts and tight jeans.

AreYouEmo.com

so go past the lights and all the excuses...

2005-02-13T11:15:00.000-08:00

I'm in rare form today. It's getting kind of old coming between soooo many people. It's like every relationhip i'm in, whether it be boy/girl, friend/friend/, me/family... it's always like a triangle, and I'm always the unwanted point. Strange, but so am I.

Megan and I had a GOOD convo today... both of us are so happy right now. And I am SO happy for her. She deserves every good thing that comes her way. But me, I'm not so sure. I'm always so paranoid. Or maybe not paranoid. Maybe resistant is the word. Who knows. Here is some of Megan and I's food for thought:

Home. Home is where your heart is. Yeah sure, you can go out on the weekends and party, and have the time of your life. You might even think that that's what you live for. Going out and having a good time. Or even just being anywhere from home. But at the end of the day, where do you go? Where is your safe place, where you always know you belong? Home. You might think that getting out of the house and leaving is what keeps you going. But when all is said and done, who is going to take care of you? And who is going to love you, unconditionally? Which will be the one that 80 years from now, you're still going to? Do you think that you're gonna be partyin it up at 90 years old? Home is somewhere that you'll always have, no matter what happens in your life. Even if "home" is only a state of mind. It's something that no matter how many times you forget about it, it will ALWAYS remain. It's unconditional.

Megan and I are alot like "home."

So go past the lights and all the excuses

You could have left "sincerely yours"

Anything too daring to say to you

Will be said in this letter and burned away

So you never realize I'm here

2005-02-13T10:24:00.000-08:00

you are darkviolet
#9400D3

Your dominant hues are blue and magenta. You're the one who goes to all the parties but doesn't quite fit in at every one... you know what you want, but are afraid of what the world might think of it. You're a little different and that's okay with them, and if you're smart it's okay with you too.

Your saturation level is very high - you are all about getting things done. The world may think you work too hard but you have a lot to show for it, and it keeps you going. You shouldn't be afraid to lead people, because if you're doing it, it'll be done right.

Your outlook on life is brighter than most people's. You like the idea of influencing things for the better and find hope in situations where others might give up. You're not exactly a bouncy sunshine but things in your world generally look up.

the spacefem.com html color quiz

Formallllll

2005-02-13T09:12:00.000-08:00

Thought everyone would like to see some pics from the formal... here they are!!! :o)

2005-02-13T09:08:00.000-08:00

me and kristen... i LOVE this girl!!

2005-02-12T20:58:00.001-08:00

again andy and i :)

2005-02-12T20:58:00.000-08:00

me and my beautiful date andy

2005-02-12T20:57:00.003-08:00

the gang!

2005-02-12T20:57:00.002-08:00

awwwwww :)

2005-02-12T20:57:00.001-08:00

marla!! haha she looks like beavs.

2005-02-12T20:57:00.000-08:00

emily weaver and i.

2005-02-12T20:56:00.001-08:00

me n nicole!! :) she's so cute

2005-02-12T20:56:00.000-08:00

me and my lil autie! :( she's not so lil anymore

2005-02-12T20:55:00.002-08:00

me and vanessa rae, my valentine

2005-02-12T20:55:00.001-08:00

rum and vaness

2005-02-12T20:55:00.000-08:00

again, what pimps

2005-02-12T20:54:00.002-08:00

my favvvvvs

2005-02-12T20:54:00.001-08:00

look at those studs

2005-02-12T20:54:00.000-08:00

me n jessie :) doesnt she look cute?

2005-02-12T20:53:00.001-08:00

it's marla and i! this is our annual boob picture.

2005-02-12T20:53:00.000-08:00

me n emmitt!

2005-02-12T20:52:00.002-08:00

me n ash

2005-02-12T20:52:00.001-08:00

me n my nicole :)

2005-02-12T20:52:00.000-08:00

me and amanda

2005-02-12T20:51:00.003-08:00

me n vanizzle

2005-02-12T20:51:00.002-08:00

jocelyn and i.. and nicole in the background :)

2005-02-12T20:51:00.001-08:00

me n jess

2005-02-12T20:51:00.000-08:00

me n linzzzz

2005-02-12T20:50:00.001-08:00

jade and i

2005-02-12T20:50:00.000-08:00

me and dan :)

2005-02-12T20:49:00.000-08:00

me n brent

2005-02-12T20:48:00.000-08:00

lil autie in during the after-after party

We'll dance the night away!

2005-02-11T12:36:00.000-08:00

Formal tonight!! :oD wooh! I'm pretty pumped, cause dances are one of my faaaavorite things in the world. I got a bright green dress, new silver pumps, and i am ready to go!! I got out of school at 10:45, so i've just been hanging out here listening to some Daphne<3Derby till my mom comes home. To get in the formal mood, I thought I would post some pictures from last years formal on here. Enjoy!

2005-02-11T09:28:00.000-08:00

what pimps

2005-02-11T09:27:00.001-08:00

bad pic, haha but its me and big M

2005-02-11T09:27:00.000-08:00

Me and danny

2005-02-11T09:26:00.000-08:00

Me and my lil Autie

2005-02-11T09:25:00.000-08:00

The gang!! :o)

I don't know how to let anyone else in

2005-02-09T19:54:00.000-08:00

and on those days
when the rain comes down
its soft yet sharp song
that falls apon your rooftop
will whisper out my name
and if it should grace
the presence of your skin
i could only pray
that it should stream down your face
and fall apon your lips

Lol... would you have ever guessed I'm a cheerleader?

2005-02-07T20:15:00.000-08:00

Take the What High SchoolStereotype Are You? quiz.

2005-02-07T13:56:00.000-08:00

Wow. Good day for once in my life. And i wonder... what was different about today that could have possibly made it better? Hmm.. Makes ya think doesn't it? Not me, I know :o)

I love english class! Haha, I know you probably think I'm weird since everyone hates it, but since I have it first period, it gave my good day a good start. I'm going to be some kind of writer someday. I'm not sure what kind yet, whether it's a journalist or a poet or even a songwriter. I don't know, but I know that I love to write.

I'm gonna go work on my research paper now, and I'm cheering tonight so I don't know if I'll post later. Probably not because I'd like to leave todays posting on a good note. I hope everyone else is having as good of a day as I am. :o)

So long, I'm sorry
I never wanted to
be so far away from you...

She dreams she's dancing...

2005-02-06T16:00:00.000-08:00

I was wrong. No matter how mean people can get, or how hurt they could make me feel... I will always have myself, and what I have learned. And ever since I was young, dancing has made me happy. And if I don't let others get to me... when it's just me, and the music, and the floor... I'm alright again.

Gently collapse..

2005-02-06T09:37:00.000-08:00

Yeah. Bad mood. As always! I stayed at Vanessas last night, and ended up not going to the movies. I wanted to go, but things with my mom and I are well.. Interesting, to say the least.

Around 2 I'm gonna go down to the studio with Lis and Josh. I'm looking foreward to it. Maybe. I just don't know anymore. Everything that I've ever known is suddenly turning its back on me. Even dance. I don't know where I stand anymore.

I'm in need for one of my good talks with Megan, but she's not here :(. She's shopping with her mom. I wish i could just go shopping with my mom like it was no big thang. I told her I needed help last night. I was being dead serious too. Cause I do need help! I'm sick of being sad like this allllll the freaking time. But do you think she is gonna get it for me? :-\ No. Which scares me. I hope I'll be okay.

I'm done. I'm just completely done anymore. I'm hoping I won't be doing anything drastic. I try and try and try and stop myself from even thinking of it... but it's always there, in the corner of my mind.

I'll be there
I'll be there
next year this time
i'll be there

I stay wrecked and jealous for this...

2005-02-05T15:49:00.000-08:00

Yeah, um, I am pretty much having the worst day ever. I'm going INSANE. Honestly, I am. Yesterday before the guys game, I left every single freaking ounce of makeup that I own at Nicoles, then after the game left all of my clothes at Vanessas, took the wrong physical form to the doctors, and thennnn to top it all off, I left my purse, cell phone included, at JCPenny's. Yeah. Not having the best day.

I'm supposed to go to the movies later with Ally and some of her friends. That should be a little something to cheer me up.

I'm really not myself today. If you know me you can probably tell, because I normally would write something deep and/or meaningful. But I'm just not myself today. So maybe I'll write back later.

well nothing hurts
and nothing bleeds
when covers tucked in tight
funny when the bottom drops
how she forgets to fight
its another day in paradise..